Dear Rince Priebus, Paul Ryan, and Republican voters,

You’re in a pickle. The whole world knows it. I know it. Even you know it. Your party is swinging toward trying to make the world’s laughingstock into its leader, and you don’t seem to know how to stop it. I know, it sucks monkey balls.

But I’m here to help you out. I want to see your party become an actual political force, not a punchline. I want you and the Democrats to use your differences to improve this country, not to stagnate it. I want the future of America to be something to look forward to, not something to fear.

And that is why I humbly submit my name for the Republican nominee for President.

I know, it’s a bit unusual for you to nominate someone you’ve never heard of, but frankly, have you really looked at your other choice? People keep voting for this guy, because they’re so used to being swindled by both corporate and political entities that they think that’s what life is. He’s running a battering ram through your party’s gates, and the only thing you seem to be doing is trying to glue them back together. In the vernacular of one of your own previous rising stars, “How’s that workin’ out for ya?”

It’s high time for a change. It’s time for me.

You need someone who is a better alternative than a quasi-sentient rotting tangerine. That’s a pretty low bar to clear. You won’t need to look very far to do it- you’ve already found me. I’m right here, ready to clear it in street shoes. I may not be the most “presidential” person in the country, but the point is, I’m not the least, so I’m a step up.

I’m sure at this point, you might be wondering what my politics are. Does it matter? Really? Look at who’s the presumptive nominee. Pin that mutated cheese puff down on literally anything- the economy, foreign policy, hell, even “Pizza: yay or nay?” I dare you. Get him to produce a consistent result from any question, and I’ll throw in the towel.

Until then, I’m throwing my hat in the ring. You guys are clearly scared, and you should be. We all should be. But there is hope!

Vote sanity. Vote intelligence. Vote safety.

Vote me.